The Pharmacy(TM)

I’m currently thinking: fortunately for us all, no climactic and dramatic denouements seem to be in store for us this year. I mean, no big-time rallies, no coups, no gloom and doom economic forecasts (peso strengthening, gas and oil prices falling), no calamities (storms/floods/outbreaks of uncontrollable flatulence, etc.). And it’s also one of those years when Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and New Year’s Day all fall on a weekend, which according to my quick calculations happens every 5 or 6 years, give or take.

Ho ho hohum…

I must confess that speaking as a completely ignorant guy, in 2005 I have slowly begun to enjoy the shopping experience, especially shopping with a girl (i.e. the window-shopping, walk for hours, sniff the goods that you don’t plan to buy experience). However, thankfully I had not yet assumed a complete metamorphosis into a male shopoholic, and thus was still suceptible to cases of sudden boredom during a shopping jaunt. One such moment had hit on a late afternoon several days ago–I was at at Greenhills accompanying a female friend, elbowing our way through the tiangge throng when we decided to take a quick break at the Promenade to allow our legs some time to heal after the day’s worth of shopping calvary.

It was during this brief respite that, in my boredom, while my friend was away withdrawing some money, I spied the general male population in the vicinity and noted to myself with some fascination how much men’s fashion has changed since my school years. Perhaps an offshoot of that so-called "metrosexual" (whatever the hell that word really means) revolution of the past years, the things that men have started doing to their appearance have taken a number of big turns ever since we all stopped cuff-folding our denims in the old days.

Be that as it may, big turns or whatnot, not everything that men have done in the name of uber-coolness or metrosexuality has had palatable results. And not meaning to impose any licenses (artistic or otherwise) on my fellow male brethren, but seeing as have mentioned that this year seems to be headed to an end sans a lot of the chaos of the past years, it probably does not hurt to see some more "evil" (specifically the sartorial kind) vanish as well. Again, speaking as a totally ignorant, albeit currently bored with shopping, kind of guy of course.

Dicked-up Bangs

Actually, I was happy to see the "out-of-bed" chic when it came out in 2003. And all these new alternatives to hair gel (e.g. wax, putty) started appearing for the general consumption of the male population. Also, suddenly having a comb or brush in your pocket was not that important anymore, and no need to check if your hair was parted properly, which really appeals to the devil-may-care instinct of most men. The renewed popularity of spiked, cropped and crewed do’s was also a balm to the senses as most of us were happy to see a much welcomed alternative the longish hair (think F4) prevailing at the time.

But then, in late 2004, something weird happened. From those same messed, spiked and cropped heads, men’s bangs started coming up in the middle of their heads (!) resulting in an attractive, almost obscene symmetry to otherwise comfortably chaotic hair.

Personally, I found it quite amusing to see 4 out of 6 men sporting this cartoony do all lined up to buy donuts at the Promenade that day. Sort of reminded me of an anime convention eight years ago in Megamall when Dragon Ball Z was the rage. Of course back then, it was well understood that Son Goku, Vegeta, and Son Gohan (and their bangs) were all really fictional characters…

Baller Bands

Although a hotly debated topic in recent years (i.e. whether to wear one as a fashion statement or a worthy cause, etc.), personally I don’t diss the idea of wearing it for whatever reason one chooses. However, as a designer friend of mine once explained, (and I quote) "the reason for the bands’ explosive popularity is that it seems to cater to fashion-repressed sensibilities of men, without aggressively taking one’s self through that quantum leap towards real style." Actually, what my friend probably meant (and I translate): "wearing a baller band makes a guy feel accessorised without actually saying so. Or wear a bracelet without really wearing one."

I have to quickly point out that this "there-without-meaning-to" ethic is one of the unfortunate side-effects of the queer-eye/metrosexual trend facing guys nowadays. While a growing number of men are realising the new mindset, most men are still a bit reluctant to embrace it fully–many still coping with the homo-stigma gripping men’s fashion: that it’s nice to look good, but look too good, and you look gay already.

Again, back to the baller bands, they’re not bad. But strictly speaking, they’re not really much of an accessory either. Bottomline: you’re still wearing a rubber band! If you must have to wear a bracelet, then wear a real one. Or better yet, as I remember a quote on style goes:

"the bracelet that’s most fashionable to see on a man’s wrist, is one that tells the time."

And I won’t even start on guys that have begun to wear more than one baller band at a time. In varying colors no less. Think Rainbow Brite.

Flipped/Flapped Cuffs on Rolled Up Sleeves

As far as shirt styles go, you name it: various collar sizes, cuff sizes (french and buttoned), patterns (more checked, striped, and textured shirts going around), all conveniently feeding to men’s evolving sartorial savvy. And as far as the hassle of rolling up one’s sleeve goes, now guys can’t seem to find any one way to roll up their shirts.

The most recent trend seems to be folding/rolling up one sleeves while leaving the shirt cuff poking out. The idea behind this seems straightforward: apart from looking mechanically attractive, this style of fold allows men with rolled up sleeves to still display the pattern or style on the shirt cuffs, which would have otherwise been hidden in the usual fold/roll-up. This concept seems to work especially well with shirts with non-matching collars and cuffs.

This funky roll-up, besides being tricky to do (and requiring a little bit of starch on the shirt from time to time for best effect), can be a double edged blade. Sloppily done, and it looks a bit ridiculous: think flying nun, dutch milkmaid/sound of music effect. Done properly and it pushes the envelope to that fashion faux pas: trying-too-hard pretentiousness.

Simplicity is key: if you must display your cuffs, wear your shirt with the sleeves down. If you must roll them up anyway either because of the weather, or because you’d rather display your arm accessories without trying to (read: baller band), then roll them up cleanly and properly, or wear a short sleeved shirt.

Popped Collars

…are back from hibernation. And not because golf has experienced a renewed following. I personally think that with all the current fuss about oxford shirts and rolled-up sleeves, a lot of guys find the good-old polo shirt a nice alternative, but with a twist: pop up the collar!

This actually isn’t a new-new-thing. I’ve personally witnessed this trend come and go in the past decade, and other than temporarily temporarily boosting polo shirt sales (imitation lacoste or otherwise), the result is always the same:

a) one person does it (perhaps one day forgetting to straigten his collar by accident)

b) some people see it and start think it’s the coolest thing since cuffed denim

c) the trend spreads, especially amongst the coffee-drinking pretentious crowd of relatives of a golf-enthusiasts

d) someone in a popped collar, caught one day alone in a crowd of properly collared folk, suddenly starts to admit to himself that it looks a bit funny, sheepishly rectifying the obscenity

e) the trend dies (or goes back into hibernation, to return once again with a vengeance)

Faux Tucks (or the half-tuck, sloppy tuck, just got out of bed tuck)

Ahh here’s the rub. In the pretentious spirit of all the goofy trends listed above, this is perhaps the best. In an age when fashion-hungry men, suddenly aware that there are other kinds of waist accessories apart from the classic leather belt, go mad purchasing fabric belts and funky buckles, but then freeze when faced with the question of tucking.

To Tuck or Not to Tuck, that is the question. Of course, but tucking, you get to display that cool new belt you got, display that new waistline you just worked out, but you might look a bit stuck up and formal (at least, in theory). Untucked, you might look casual and chic (at least, in theory), but the belt disappears, along with your waistline, and you lose all form and appear fatter than you really are.

So the answer is: to Half-Tuck! Or tuck the front of your shirt in partly, leave the back hanging out. Messily if possible. Or any permutation thereof. Thereby enjoying the benefits of showing off your new belt buckle and flat stomach but retaining the casual elegance of being untucked.

The result:

A half-assed, pretentious, sloppy attempt at something.

So how do you call a guy with dicked-up hair, 3 baller bands, and a half-tucked striped oxford shirt with rolled up sleeves with flappy cuffs and a popped up collar?

Don’t even bother calling him anything. Shoot down the thing before he infects someone so we can all have a happy new year.